I do all the things you used to hate. I dye my hair colors that make the church ladies stare. I go to bed without dinner and subside entirely on air. I make tea and pour cream in after. I give up reading. I give up The Beatles. I never eat another plate of scrambled eggs. I shape myself into someone you would dislike. My speech sharpens. My teeth turn to fangs. I let go of the softness that drew you to me. My fingernails itch to become claws and I don’t fight it. This is what it takes to survive. I let people into my bed that I would have walked right past with you. He is sad-eyed and needs my flimsy paper wrists to support him. I pour every late night with you into him, until he says, ‘I love you, I love you’ and I say, ‘Shh, you’ll ruin the fun.’ I do what it takes to forget you, and at the end, have more bruises than the ones I started with, but I can finally look at a sunset and not feel anything at all.
I feel guilty for skipping church and I feel guilty for sometimes only brushing my teeth in the morning and not at night and I feel guilty for eating junk food and I feel guilty for not telling my dad I love him and I feel guilty for skipping a workout and I feel guilty for not washing my dishes and I feel guilty for not thanking my mom like I should and I feel guilty for not being a better big sister and I feel guilty for the things I did to my wrist that would drive my parents through the roof with fear and guilt themselves I feel guilty for the fact that my mom is trying so hard but can’t understand what it’s like I feel guilty for shutting her out I feel guilty for not giving my dog enough attention I feel guilty that I can’t trust anyone fully I feel guilty that I still taste your fucking words in my mouth I feel guilty for still fucking thinking about you when I promised myself I wouldn’t anymore
He just says all the right things doesn’t he?